World Mental Health Day

When it comes down to it, I really freaking hate anxiety. 

I hate what it does to me. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate how it can take over my day. I hate that it’s invisible until it’s not. 

I’ve struggled with this mental illness for longer than I can even remember, but for many years I shrugged it off as “my period is coming” or “I’m just stressed” or “school is just a lot.” 

All of those things could be true, but they weren’t the entirety of this mental health monster. 

Anxiety makes me a nervous wreck when I don’t have a plan for my day. It makes it so that when things are meant to be spontaneous or easy, they can’t be. It makes it so that when things are changing and in all reality I know I can handle it, I can’t stop the tears running down my cheeks. 

Anxiety makes me mean. It makes me lash out at whoever I think spiked it. It makes me uncomfortable handling new or different because I don’t feel that precious sense of control. It makes me give up caring about things I know I hold dearly because it’s just easier to stop. 

Anxiety makes me tired. It wears me out from having to constantly remind myself “you’re okay,” or “you’re safe.” It’s a lot. And it’s honestly hard work to constantly remind your brain, you’re not dying. 

It's all just that much harder post-COVID when you really were dealing with a killer virus. The isolation of quarantine and COVID life for everyone has been hard and I for one am ready for this global pandemic to end. I am ready to be anxious about normal things instead of worrying about getting reinfected, infecting anyone else and wondering if my family will get to see each other during the winter months. 

But anxiety isn’t all of me. I’m still Christa Jane Rahl, the girl who loves football and squirrels. I still hang out with my family. I still make time for my friends. I still get to work my jobs and feel productive and important. 

I find my coping mechanisms. I run, I repeat my self-affirmations, I run more, I challenge myself with new circus arts, and I go on with my life until another attack hits. 

Today, it hit. I had too many different pieces of ideas for plans that all collided in my brain and left me in bed typing out this blog. I even tried to be proactive with a short, half-mile jog to ease the tension building up in my body. Instead of doing any of my fun ideas, I am stuck just trying to quit crying. All because I didn’t want to waste the day. Well, look who has wasted hours of their day now, this anxiety-ridden chick. 

Am I proud of it? No. But I thought it was ironic that my anxiety would attack me on a day I feel is so important. 

So for now, I’m going to take a nap, maybe go for a run, maybe go shopping, maybe see some friends later. Because while anxiety has been my morning, it’s not my life. 

Happy World Mental Health Day, friends. 

Remember, it’s always okay to reach out for additional help and resources. Mental health is important.