Day 74

 I want you to think about your happy place. I want you to think about the thing you run to when you're stressed or your day was downright shitty. 

Maybe it's calling an old friend. Maybe it's hitting DQ on the way home. Maybe it's creating art in some way. 

Now take it away. Imagine that if you ran to your happy place, it would physically hurt you. It's not your fault, but it is your reality. 

See, that's where I am at right now. 

My escape is on a trail, treadmill. or track. It has been for a while now. I love being able to just go. I don't run very far or even very fast, but I don't care. It's all about the endorphins and challenging myself. 

But right now I still can't do that. I can't lace up my running shoes and head to the lake. Because when I do that it feels like I am about to have a heart attack. 

My COVID symptoms are on day 74. That's a long time. And it all sucks. 

My endorphins, vitamin D and simply listening to my running playlist are very important to my mental health. I am very open about my state of things. I have severe generalized anxiety. For me, that means I am always searching for the next challenge- the next achievement. 

I was just thinking this morning about how my anxiety shows up in even my top five Clifton Strengths. My five are Strategic, Competition, Discipline, Focus and Achiever. These combine to make me want to ALWAYS be going going going. I want to keep finding new things to do. 

When I run, I am always checking my watch to see if I can beat my own time. I want to succeed against myself. I want to achieve new goals. I want to see growth in myself as a runner and a person. 

I want this for a variety of reasons. I obviously love pushing myself and now that I am not in classes, I have to find a new way to keep this up. I also know it helps my anxiety like crazy. I had an anxiety attack before work this week and all I wanted was to get out on a trail and GO. I knew I just needed to clear my head. It worked in college when I would show up to the Rec after Wednesday night staff meetings when I just wanted to cry. I knew it could work if I could just. go. run.

That can't happen right now.

Today after school I went to the park to run and walk. I knew I would likely be mostly walking as my chest pain from COVID has kept me from doing much of anything this week. But I went anyway. That felt amazing. I needed my out. 

Because what people don't realize is that COVID sucks double when you get it. Quite possibly even triple or four times.

I'll explain.

COVID sucks for everyone before it even touches you. I remember being overwhelmed by the thought of the coronavirus because I wanted to do all I could to stay the hell away from it. 

And to be frank, it upended a lot of my life. 

To put it short, it took away my senior year, college graduation, move to Orlando and job down there, and then my mental health from not having a plan for the year. 

That was enough to warrant anxiety and panic attacks pretty much all the time. I remember telling my mom we had to stop talking about COVID because it was making my mental health go to shit. That was when I still had places to go. I could head to the lake or the trail and run upwards of seven miles to get my mind off of the state of the world. So when you're staying away from COVID, it sucks once. 

Then it sucks an entirely new way when you catch it. This should be self-explanatory. You feel like garbage, your whole family has to stay home and pray they don't catch it, your workplace shuts down, and you feel guilty and as though you have the flu. I have a whole blog about this suckage. 

After you're finally out of quarantine and you no longer wonder if you'll end up in the hospital that day, COVID still sucks! It's a lovely game we play. If you are considered a long-hauler like yours truly, you wake up every day with some sort of COVID side effect. These range from hardcore anxiety, nausea, swollen ankles, chronic chest pain, brain fog and random burning sensations. And those were only the ones I have personally experienced. The good news is you do eventually get your smell back!

So that sucks overall. I am still just waiting for my third level of COVID shit to pass, to be completely honest. I want to run miles on end. Let's be real, I want to walk through the parking lot to my school without needing to catch my breath. 

Then there's the weird fourth level of COVID mess. Once you test positive, you become the spokesperson for COVID. In some ways, I love this. I am a girl with my bachelor's in Journalism. I want to inform people and help others get through the illness. But then there's another side to this world. 

I still have friends that won't see me because I tested positive in July. I still get looked at with a strange disgust when I bring up my dealing with the illness around certain people. That hurts. It hurts and it's frustrating. I am not dirty. I did not go out all summer long and party. I didn't refuse to wear a mask at my job. I didn't even leave my home except when I was likely going to be alone. 

So that's where I'm at on Day 74. Still kicking. Still waiting to not feel my chest twang. Still active in my COVID Survivors support group on Facebook. 

Because COVID freaking sucks. The numbers can be swayed, so pay attention to the stories. We are real people going through a real illness that really, really sucks.