I'm Learning in Grad School

 If I told you I was a 23-year-old woman in her first year of grad school and I was learning a lot, you’d probably think I meant in classes. And you wouldn’t be wrong. But I’m learning so much more than that this week.

This week I’m learning how to relax and take care of myself. It’s a weird thing to learn, relaxation. But I’m working on it as I attempt to learn the balance between school, studying, work, a social life, and life to myself.

This week I hit rock bottom. Think hyperventilating after class, thinking I’m going to die, and needing to take a very important pill and call my mom. I haven’t had an anxiety attack like that… ever, so it really spooked me.

But in a way, I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for the reset and the reliance on God to keep me above water. I realized I’ve been much too focused on the things of me and right now. And that’s only healthy to a point.

What’s ironic is I was complimented on Friday for being able to keep everything together so well. I thanked her but in my head, I knew it was all an act.

I knew that I have cried over and over this week because I just need connections and I thought creating those would be easier. I knew that I have a system that will hopefully last me two years but could easily fall apart. I know that I go to work, study before class or go straight to it, come home, do homework, maybe see one friend a week, and repeat each day Monday through Thursday. Friday I work, come home, and finish homework. This is all lovely and working well but I know I’ll burn out if I don’t control it.

So I’m learning to relax. I’ve noticed lately that the moment I feel content, I feel the need to be done. As if I’m checking “be happy” off a to-do list. And that’s not how it’s supposed to go.

If you know me, you know I dedicate my Saturdays to Husker football and Sundays are for chores and recovering from either a celebration or a drowning of sorrows. I also run 3-5 miles every day.

So it looks like I’m rocking this grad school thing. And by some definitions, I really am. I get my homework done and so far it's gone well. I go on dates to meet people. I work my assistantship to the best of my ability every day. But I know I need to improve things if I’m going to continue this program. I know I need to connect myself to a church in person instead of staying comfortable watching Reality online.

I need to let myself bask in the calm when it comes because it isn’t always there. Even right at this moment, I was unable to just sit and enjoy the sun on a beautiful day next to a gorgeous lake. I had to work on this post for a blog and align my bills on my phone.

So this is me being fearlessly authentic with you all- I know it’s been a while. And before I have people critique that I overshare online, let me leave you with why I post these things.

On the outside, I often look like a super positive, outgoing, completely capable, sturdy young woman. And that lady is inside of me. But that me is in constant battle with mental illness that has been diagnosed with the name of Anxiety but likely has a sister named Depression on her side as well.

And the battle is invisible. The battle has a stigma it doesn’t deserve. The battle is seen as weak when in reality I know it makes me strong. I’m not a token girl with anxiety and I don’t claim to know everyone’s experience with these awful invisible beasts.

But I do know that I love sitting by the lake with my headphones in playing nothing and listening to the softball game across the street. And I know that the evil sisters in my brain tried to tell me I wasn’t worth sitting and enjoying these things. I know they tried to convince me that I wasn’t doing enough if I was just happy.

I know that the sisters tell me how everyone around me has a million friends and I don’t. I know they spread rumors through my own brain cavities about how each person I encounter hates me or knows something about me that I don’t that leads them to being just kind enough to me. I know these sisters are vicious and they cut me where it hurts the most. I know they seem just believable enough to leave a scar.

And I know that these sisters are all over in people’s brains and they win a lot of battles because the brain holder feels alone. I know what it’s like to feel like nobody understands and so you shut down because explaining things that don't make sense is not easy or fun or rewarding most of the time.

I’m here to tell you that if those battles are in your mind, they are real and however you react to them is valid. You are stronger than you know. Soldiers train for battles and then get rest in between- I know you are fighting likely without training and without rest between bouts. That’s incredible. You’re incredible. And you’re worth relaxing for. So do it. And shut the voices off. Because you’re worth it.