COVID Guilt and Other Things That Should Be Added to the Warning Label For This Global Pandemic

When this whole Coronavirus thing started shutting down the planet back in March, I thought the worst part was the illness for those that caught it and the cancelations for everyone else. I thought the worst part would be losing graduation or God-forbid, my job at Disney.

I was naive. 

After being confirmed positive for COVID-19 and going through my isolation, I have realized COVID-19 has a lot more going on than anyone tells you about from the outside. 

The worst part of the rona isn't the fever or needing to sleep for a week straight. The worst part is what I have been calling COVID Guilt. This is the guilt that I just can't shake because I live at home and my diagnosis affected so many more people than myself. This virus attacks your conscience and makes you wonder who you exposed and what you should be doing differently. Even when you do everything you are told, you still start to wonder. You start to see something wrong in everything you do, even when you think you are doing all of the right things. There is no clear "right" thing once the COVID enters your home or lungs. And that's not an easy thing to recognize.

The part that kills me is that even after I have started feeling better, my family is still under lock and key for 14 days to ensure that they didn't contract it from me as I left my room to shower or go to the bathroom. Each day counted as their new exposure date even though I wore a mask to go to the shower and rarely left my room except to go sit outside, far away from anyone. 

My sickness didn't just mean that I couldn't work or even leave my room for a week. The fever before I was even tested meant my youngest brother had to miss one of his few national basketball tournaments for the year. He claims he is okay but I know he was excited to play with this new team. He also couldn't go on his church camp trip because I had tested positive. 

Those two weeks suck, to be frank, because I can go live life. I can now go to the grocery store and get hamburger buns and ranch dressing. But since I brought this disease into my house, my family can't leave still. They could still potentially start showing symptoms at any moment because I was around someone that gave me these germs. That hurts. 

The guilt also comes when I am asked when my date of onset was. I am not entirely sure when my symptoms started because I shook off a sore chest for about a week, thinking it was anxiety. I even had a new prescription waiting for me. But... it just didn't feel like anxiety. I am truly glad I hadn't started that new pill thinking it would solve my problems. 

But since I thought I was told and believed for a few days that my chest pain was anxiety, I wasn't taking the right safety measures for those around me. I went to work, I went to the lake to run, I lived life until I couldn't anymore. 

The guilt hits there, too. Once my test came back positive, I called my workplace and told my management what was going on. As a safety protocol the store closed for professional cleaning and for the coworkers I was in direct contact with to quarantine. This meant that at least 7 of my coworkers and friends didn't take home a paycheck last week. That kills my heart. A week is a long time- a lot of hours. I just have to remind myself almost hourly that I didn't do this on purpose and I am learning through all of this. (Ya know, between naps and listening to T-Swift's new album.)

Other than the guilt, there have been other things to learn during this illness and taking my turn during the global pandemic. Here are a few of my findings:

1. Having a support system as wonderful as mine is super helpful when you can't leave your house. I have been blown away by the people who have reached out or brought things over for us. And even more people that have offered to bring us things that we couldn't think of a list for- I appreciate each and every one of you. The generosity toward my household has been a true blessing. 

2. There are more symptoms for COVID than I have ever thought possible. The tight and sore chest is not something to ignore. I truly wish I would have known that. But it isn't on the list of things to be on the lookout for, so I figured I was in the clear until that fever hit. 

3. People who think COVID is fake or who are refusing to follow safety precautions are the most selfish individuals I think live in this country. It is a super sucky virus and it has destroyed plans, but putting on that piece of cloth can change everything. When I see things now that people post about this virus not mattering or flat out refusing to listen to the Dept. of Health or any doctor, I get genuinely pissed off. Please do not be one of those people. I was lucky to stay relatively healthy through all of this. So many other people are not in that position. Save your grandma, wear a mask. 

4. Retesting for that negative result isn't as easy as it sounds. I wanted to retest for many reasons, including to know I wasn't contagious and could live life amongst the living again. I learned that isn't really a possibility. Because my symptoms have improved, I have quarantined and I haven't had a fever in a week, I am not contagious anymore. But if I tested, it will likely come back as positive for the next three months. That would put my whole household into a tailspin. 

5. The world can be very "corporate" when it comes to this virus. Everyone wants each person fighting it to fit into the right protocol. Well, that is not possible. It's not black and white-- at all. So this virus takes a lot of grace and understanding. Sometimes you have to remind people of that one. 

6. This virus shows you who is on your side through the thick of it. I have seen so many kind messages from people who are truly riding this out with me from far apart. That means the world to me. But it has also been interesting to see who doesn't say anything or check-in. Because, when it comes down to it, those that haven't reached out speak the loudest. 

7. This virus is real. The stories are true. Anyone can get it.