Ever since COVID-19 took over our lives, I have found myself going for a lot of walks. I went for some walks with and without my dog in Papio over Spring Break and I have gone on many more walks ever since coming back to campus.
My reality feels fake right now. I go on walks and question my watch and calendar. There's no way campus can be this empty in April, right? There's no way the Union could be closed. There's no way I would ever move out of Smith 818 into a dorm that feels like a mini-vacation until I could return to my home away from home. There's no way my girls are gone. There's no way I will never have another class in Andersen.
But there is a way. And my watch is right. My calendar is accurate. And campus is a ghost town. Because novel coronavirus has taken over and taken everything away.
It's taken away companionship in a traditional sense. It took away my normal. It took away Smith 8. It took away a physical May 2020 graduation ceremony. It took away the Spring Game for my football addiction. It took away GradFest and several banquets I was excited to attend. It took away knowing if I will see some of my friends again.
It took away my sense of control. I am just rolling with the punches now. It's all I can do. Every time I learn something is canceled, graduation included, I just nod and realize this is 2020's reality. It took away my job in Smith 8 and the sense of control I felt over that whole hall.
I wrote this on Monday after I left Smith for my last time:
"I got locked out of my dorm today and I’ll be honest, it took my breath away. My NCard access isn’t something I ever thought about but losing it killed me. As an RA, I’ve grown to feel like Smith Hall is basically my own. Smith 8 was especially mine. After three years of roaming the hallway, I gained a sort of confidence that I can’t even explain. It was home. My girls were my family. And now everyone is gone. Everyone is either at home, a temporary apartment/suite or spending time anywhere but Smith Hall. It doesn’t feel real. It feels like I missed something. It feels like I missed April and now it’s time for graduation. Because that’s how move-out is supposed to work. But it’s not like that this year. This year I had to move my RAing into a dorm I get lost in. I moved in with a suitemate I’d never met. I have classes to finish with professors I’ll never see again outside of a screen. It feels fake. It feels like a weird dystopian fiction novel. But it’s real. It’s real because it’s happening and I can’t stop it. It’s real because no matter what, I couldn’t stay in the room I fell in love in and was later dumped via a phone call in. I couldn’t stay in the room my friends knew to just knock. I couldn’t stay in a room with a board telling anyone who walked by where I was or what I was up to. I couldn’t stay in the room that saw all too many roommate conflicts and resolutions (for most). I couldn’t stay in the room that saw some really early mornings for football games and late nights after Junction and Iggys. I couldn’t stay in MY room. My home. I had to find a temporary home in Eastside Suites. I have no doubt that the Suites will treat me well and my room is safe and lovely. But I don’t think it’ll ever be MY room. And that’s okay. I’ll only be here until the first week of May. And then I’ll find myself back in my Papio home where I once again feel I belong and things make sense. And after a few months, I’ll move down to Orlando and you already know I’ll find a way to become a princess at least once. So I’m not at my home anymore and not a lot makes sense anymore. But I’m going to be okay. Spring is coming. Summer is coming. Home is coming."
But the weirdest thing it has taken away are the thousands of people I don't know. I miss the hustle and bustle of a Big 10 campus. I miss all the energy and movement people created as they moved to and from classes. I miss about 25,000 people I never met.
On my walks, I try to count the people I see out and about and it's rarely more than I can fit on my fingers. That's healthy. That's what we need right now. But I hate it. And I miss my Huskers.
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