Not everyone leaves

I went to church today. As it is Sunday, I am sure some of you are not surprised. Some of you think this is something I do every week. I probably have found a church in Lincoln I consider my own and I am probably in the life groups and have a strong friend group there.

You would be wrong.

My recent conversations with Jesus have all been during Husker football games and you can imagine how one-sided they are.

This was my first time going to church in Lincoln since my freshman year of college. And it kills me to admit that.

It took me a long time to realize I had separated myself from my faith, which I told myself during my senior year of high school that I would not do. But, I drifted into the world of excuses and once I drifted, I didn't want to be the awkward girl who was "new to church."

Well. I was the new girl in church today who didn't quite know how to receive communion since apparently, not everyone does it the same. But that's okay.

I'm not proud of it. But I am okay with where I am on my journey. I have never had the typical story at my churches, so here's another step in my path. I want to get involved in a church starting November of my senior year of college.

Better late than never I guess.

It's okay because I went to church for God. I didn't really go for me. I went because I was embarrassed at my lack of commitment to my faith and I was sad when I couldn't answer someone's questions about being a Christian earlier this week. I went because I knew it was what I needed to do.

And, holy crap was I nervous.

I was going to church with a resident on my floor from last year. I texted her after visiting a mosque for one of my classes when someone asked me about the trinity and I was not able to stand up for my faith. I asked if I could go to church with her because I knew her faith was strong and she was a wonderful person to have on the floor last year. I specifically remember sitting in her room last year watching a Louie Giglio video explaining how great God is.

Anyway, I texted her to ask if I could go to church and she said absolutely. I knew she would.

That was on Thursday.

I spent Friday and Saturday night wondering how I would backtrack myself out of actually going. Sure, I was embarrassed and convicted on Thursday, but I'd be okay, right?

No.

I made myself get ready for church. I turned on a Spotify playlist called "Today's Christian Hits" so I could have a chance at participating in the worship music.

As I listened to the songs play as I did my morning stretches/ab workout, I had to stop and listen to the lyrics.

Thanks to Matthew West and some subtle divine intervention, I had to just sit at my desk and listen to how loved I am by the God of the universe.

"The God Who Stays" has now been on repeat for several hours.

Because it was exactly what I needed to hear today.

West sings about how there's nothing that can separate me from Christ. His lyrics tell of how I am with God forever. He's the God who stays. Who runs in my direction when the whole world walks away.

That last line hit hard.

In my leadership class, we are required to do a lot of introspection and reflection. This has brought to mind how often I find that people leave my life. It's a common theme that people in my life stay for seasons, not lifetimes. And that kills me. All I want is that "girl gang" or the friend group that doesn't shift and feels the same after being apart for ages.

In my class, I related to a classmate who shared that she doesn't trust easily because "people always leave." This hit home for me. While my family is my lifeline and will always have my back, my friend support system has been everchanging for as long as I can remember.

I typically keep this to myself. It can be hard to talk about being lonely and not having a group with people because it feels like you're offending them or trying to guilt them into staying.

I talked about this concept with my ex-boyfriend and I am still trying to convince myself that he didn't stay with me for as long as he did because of the guilt idea. That sucks.

And I still think about him- heck, he was in my dreams last night and we've been apart for over a year. So I feel like I am the only one that sticks with people through thick and thin. And that can be exhausting, let me tell you. And honestly, it often goes the opposite direction and I end up on my own a lot.

But that's not how God works. God sees through the loneliness and wants to be with me. He wants to have a relationship with me. Forever.

He doesn't give up on me because I got annoying. When I don't talk to Him for a while, he doesn't run off to someone new and better. When my life gets hard and I shut down a little bit, He is there to comfort me as I cry into my pillow. He knows my future. He knows what I will do when I grow up in May. He doesn't mind that I am a stress mess. He wants to help me through it.

And that's incredible to me. Because nobody else does that willingly. He knows every single mistake I have made and the things I will never tell a soul. Yet He loves me anyway. It's crazy.

It's amazing.

So, I am working on mending that relationship. I want to be Christa that is known for her faith again. I don't want to have to tell people I'm a Christian, I want strangers to be able to see it in my eyes.

I had a mentor ask me a couple years ago (while I didn't have a church) how Jesus and I were. I didn't want to admit that I hadn't been attending church, so I laughed it off and said fine. I then stopped talking to that mentor.

I don't want to do that anymore. And I know this is not going to be an easy choice to make. I know I am going to have to be accountable for my actions and my Sundays. But it's something I think will help me in a multitude of ways. I know myself and I know some things will change and others will just be a part of who I am.

If anything, it will remind me that there is always at least one constant in my life when everything around me feels like it's spiraling out of control.

At church today we learned about how our achievements aren't why God loves us. That took the weight right off my shoulders. I haven't achieved anything new in what feels like a lifetime. I just keep pushing myself through things I earned years ago. But nothing I do can change God's love for me and that is incredible.

So I'll take that with me going forward this week and semester and finish out strong with a new love and desire in my heart.

P.S. I love my floor this year but hanging out with my resident from last year made me miss Smith 8 2018 so much. Smith 8 2019 we have work to do.