Open Letter to Those Hiding Behind "Looking for More Friends"

Dear you, yes you, the girl or guy that has the New Year's resolution of making more friends and being more social this year, semester, month, week. I know who you are.

I see you.

I see you because I am you. Ever since the 7th grade, I have been looking for my group. That ideal friend group that allows me not to wonder who I would try to set up plans with on a Friday night, but what we would be doing. The groups you see in the movies, on Instagram, and seemingly everywhere I look.

If you're like me, that's probably why you're still reading this and not writing me off as some loser who needs to get her stuff together.

Yes, I am 20 and looking for friends.

You see, I have friends. I know I have friends. I could make a list of them for you here and now and feel better about myself for the next few hours before I watch Netflix in bed and fall asleep.

But, that's not what my thoughts say. As I sit alone in my dorm typing away, my thoughts remind me over and over of just what is occurring. Sure, I can make all sorts of excuses for why I am not with others right now and they would be convincing, too. But that's not the point.

If you and I share these thoughts, you probably feel as though none of your friends form that specific bond. You haven't established the go-to group for plans every weekend. And, sometimes, as hard as it is to admit, we let ourselves believe we don't have friends to begin with.

"If I truly had friends along with acquaintances I wouldn't feel as lonely as I do," you think to yourself. And then it becomes your own little pity party.

Then the self-doubt sets in. This is the worst. Your new ever-constant thought is "why." Why don't I have friends? Why am I not hanging out with people right now? Why do I have to initiate all the time?
The list goes on and on.

And, yes, it sucks.

You know deep in your heart that you're not alone and you probably have someone in your contact list you could talk to, but nobody wants to admit to feeling lonely.

I go to a school with 26,000+ students enrolled, yet I am sitting in Smith Hall wondering when my boyfriend will text back.

Yeah, I've had those thoughts.

For some of you that are more an acquaintance than a tight friend, and maybe even some close friends, this will surprise you.

I try to be the happiest person I can be. However, since beginning college, I have realized that life is not always offering smiles and rainbows. But, I still believe there is always at least one thing going on to smile about.

I've let people know this more often than earlier in my life.

This authenticity is scary to show people. It's a leap of faith to not say every day is "good" and every class is "fine." Some people want to know the truth, others don't. But being real with people allows them to be real back. So I'm hoping this will work out into stronger relationships with people I have yet to meet.

So what now? I've told you a lot. I have been brutally honest. To be more explicit- if you feel the way I do some nights, you understand what it feels like to think nobody else understands because everyone else has a group.
I promise you, not everyone does. I am living, breathing proof of that fact.

I know when I posted this, you were probably hoping for some step by step guide in making friends or finding your group.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that.

I am still working on finding a club or group of people with similar interests in order to just start this process.

But, here's my advice to you.

Think of those you already spend time with. For me, I think of old high school friends, the RAs I work with, and my friend from elementary that rooms with a mutual friend from hall government last year.

Are any of us hanging out each weekend or shopping together every other day? No. But they are people I trust I could open up to about an issue if one were to arise.

If you don't have this type of groups, that's okay, think of individuals you enjoy being around.

Now, work on those relationships first. It is much easier to get closer to people you already have an established relationship with.

I cannot be truly sure about the next step because I am admittedly a work in progress. So take my thoughts with a grain of salt.

What I foresee as being the next step is trifold.

One, find some people you kind of know and work on those relationships, you never know how they could work out. Ask if they want to study or go somewhere. The worst that could happen is they say no.

Two, find a captive audience and see how it plays out. For me, this means talking to people before class when they have already sat down. So far, I have one potential buddy to go see a play for my theatre class. I don't know how it'll work out, but at least I am potentially not going to a musical involving puppet nudity alone.

Three, with your old friends, go out and meet people. Your confidence in talking to someone new is strengthened when you already know someone else involved in the conversation, or at least have someone to rant to afterward if it goes badly.

I am not guaranteeing you a new best friend. I am not guaranteeing you anything.

I hope you all make some great friends and I hope you smile today.

By the way, if you ask me about this post in person, I will likely cry and say I was "in a mood." I am much stronger facing these struggles behind a screen and dealing with them internally. So, sorry in advance if I shoo you off regarding anything mentioned here.

These are simply my thoughts,
Christa