I'm Learning in Grad School

 If I told you I was a 23-year-old woman in her first year of grad school and I was learning a lot, you’d probably think I meant in classes. And you wouldn’t be wrong. But I’m learning so much more than that this week.

This week I’m learning how to relax and take care of myself. It’s a weird thing to learn, relaxation. But I’m working on it as I attempt to learn the balance between school, studying, work, a social life, and life to myself.

This week I hit rock bottom. Think hyperventilating after class, thinking I’m going to die, and needing to take a very important pill and call my mom. I haven’t had an anxiety attack like that… ever, so it really spooked me.

But in a way, I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for the reset and the reliance on God to keep me above water. I realized I’ve been much too focused on the things of me and right now. And that’s only healthy to a point.

What’s ironic is I was complimented on Friday for being able to keep everything together so well. I thanked her but in my head, I knew it was all an act.

I knew that I have cried over and over this week because I just need connections and I thought creating those would be easier. I knew that I have a system that will hopefully last me two years but could easily fall apart. I know that I go to work, study before class or go straight to it, come home, do homework, maybe see one friend a week, and repeat each day Monday through Thursday. Friday I work, come home, and finish homework. This is all lovely and working well but I know I’ll burn out if I don’t control it.

So I’m learning to relax. I’ve noticed lately that the moment I feel content, I feel the need to be done. As if I’m checking “be happy” off a to-do list. And that’s not how it’s supposed to go.

If you know me, you know I dedicate my Saturdays to Husker football and Sundays are for chores and recovering from either a celebration or a drowning of sorrows. I also run 3-5 miles every day.

So it looks like I’m rocking this grad school thing. And by some definitions, I really am. I get my homework done and so far it's gone well. I go on dates to meet people. I work my assistantship to the best of my ability every day. But I know I need to improve things if I’m going to continue this program. I know I need to connect myself to a church in person instead of staying comfortable watching Reality online.

I need to let myself bask in the calm when it comes because it isn’t always there. Even right at this moment, I was unable to just sit and enjoy the sun on a beautiful day next to a gorgeous lake. I had to work on this post for a blog and align my bills on my phone.

So this is me being fearlessly authentic with you all- I know it’s been a while. And before I have people critique that I overshare online, let me leave you with why I post these things.

On the outside, I often look like a super positive, outgoing, completely capable, sturdy young woman. And that lady is inside of me. But that me is in constant battle with mental illness that has been diagnosed with the name of Anxiety but likely has a sister named Depression on her side as well.

And the battle is invisible. The battle has a stigma it doesn’t deserve. The battle is seen as weak when in reality I know it makes me strong. I’m not a token girl with anxiety and I don’t claim to know everyone’s experience with these awful invisible beasts.

But I do know that I love sitting by the lake with my headphones in playing nothing and listening to the softball game across the street. And I know that the evil sisters in my brain tried to tell me I wasn’t worth sitting and enjoying these things. I know they tried to convince me that I wasn’t doing enough if I was just happy.

I know that the sisters tell me how everyone around me has a million friends and I don’t. I know they spread rumors through my own brain cavities about how each person I encounter hates me or knows something about me that I don’t that leads them to being just kind enough to me. I know these sisters are vicious and they cut me where it hurts the most. I know they seem just believable enough to leave a scar.

And I know that these sisters are all over in people’s brains and they win a lot of battles because the brain holder feels alone. I know what it’s like to feel like nobody understands and so you shut down because explaining things that don't make sense is not easy or fun or rewarding most of the time.

I’m here to tell you that if those battles are in your mind, they are real and however you react to them is valid. You are stronger than you know. Soldiers train for battles and then get rest in between- I know you are fighting likely without training and without rest between bouts. That’s incredible. You’re incredible. And you’re worth relaxing for. So do it. And shut the voices off. Because you’re worth it.

Slip and Try Not to Slide

 I can feel the slip. 

I feel it in my chest. 

I feel it in my head. 

I feel the slip 

when I get mean.

I feel the slip 

when I lose all interest.

I feel the slip

when I snap back.

I feel the slip

I recognize the slip

I cannot control the slip.

I feel the slip 

when coworkers are too much

when customers are too much 

when my schedule is too much

when boys are too much 

when everything is too much.

But nothing is too much.

Everything is the same as it was yesterday.

Everything will be the same tomorrow.

And then it's just enough.

But as I slip, 

it's too much. 

Inside I know I can carry it.

A shallow thought says that's a lie.

Dig deeper, there is hope. 

It is not too much.

It is a slip.

Slips hurt.

They scrape.

They bleed.

They take others down with me.

But we will be okay.

Slipping is allowed.

Sliding is not.

My Demon's Name is Lonely

 My demon's name is Lonely.

He only comes out to play when it hurts the most.

Lonely reminds me of all my flaws. 

All the reasons people may dislike me. 

All the people who have fallen away.

My demon's name is Lonely 

and he's quite the attention whore. 

Lonely whispers in my ear 

but it's never things I like to hear.

I've heard these things before-

Lonely likes to repeat himself. 

But that doesn't make it hurt less.

My demon's name is Lonely

and he's honestly quite rude.

He treats me like a child with an awful attitude.

My demon makes me mean

he makes me hurt my friends.

My demon takes me to the dark

which I never knew was a where 

and not a what. 

My demon's name is Lonely

but I know he's not in charge.

My demon's name is Lonely

but my savior's name is Friend.

It's a Monster

 Anxiety is the monster that hides in your closet.

Yes, you know it's there 

but you know it won't attack until you stop expecting it

until you are weak 

until you are vulnerable.

Positive thinking is the flickering of a trick candle

never knowing when it will finally go dim. 

You don't want it to

but you aren't in control.

Anxiety is the knowledge of all that could go wrong

but it won't-

That's what the naive will tell you. 

Anxiety is knowing you're at a breaking point 

but not knowing how long you can stand there.

Hours?

Days?

Weeks?

Months?

Everyone finds out at the same time you do. 

Anxiety is the "everything's great" smile in the hall

when things are scary inside. 

It's the "I've got this"'

as you try to convince both sides of the mirror.

Anxiety is the success of hearing about your confidence

knowing you won the acting game. 

It's being just a tad too self-aware.

It's being laughed at-

This came out of nowhere-

when you didn't plan on breaking either. 

It's fake "I'm there for you"s

met with ignorance when you hold them to their word.

It's "You're not the first"

when you didn't want the attention anyway.

It's holding yourself to perfection and watching it crumble. 

Anxiety doesn't take an easy route

or anything predictable. 

It just punches and steals and destroys. 

It's a monster only you can see

It's a monster repeating lies in just one ear. 

It's a monster who only comes out to play when it knows it can win. 

A Year In the Making

 Well. We are officially one year since we all started updating our vocabulary to include words like "quarantine," "pandemic" and "social distancing."

It's been a year since everyone started doing what many of us have been doing subconsciously for years if not our whole lives. 

We learned how to collectively act like we're okay. And wow that didn't help anything for anyone in the long run.

Sure, nobody wants to be around a "Negative Nancy" but you know what's worse? Being around someone and not really knowing anything about them. 

So here's the deal- my smiling face is what anxiety looks like. People don't want to think of mental illness that way. But swallow the pill, my friends, because this is about to get even more real with you. 

I have noticed this recently- the people who think they know me the best are also the people who get so confused when I don't have a great mental health day. The people who will say they love me most won't even listen to a podcast or read up on how to communicate with me about my daily experience. 

The people who truly know me best are those that are along for the long haul. And I am with them through theirs. 

So as this anniversary roles through (and there just keep being more), think about what this anniversary means to people around you. 

I believe being authentic is the best way to live so that people around you actually have an understanding of me. But guess what! This isn't always welcomed with open arms. 

Many people will push you to be okay all the time. This can quickly morph into what is called Toxic Positivity, which has many different forms but all in all "denies people the authentic support that they need to cope with what they are facing." (Very Well Mind)

This idea calls me out. 

I am the girl who wants everyone to have a reason to smile every morning. I want everyone to smile before bed about something that happened that day. 

But this pandemic has also shaded this idea that everything is sunshine and rainbows. The world can be awful. Disgusting things happen and we should all be okay admitting this fact. 

I am not writing this to tell you to be a pessimist and look for the shade. That's not who I am and that is not what I am about. I am writing this to remind people that is okay to have unpleasant feelings. It is okay to realize that your mental health is going downhill even though it's sunny and the world is opening back up. 

I will be honest, the past month or so, I haven't been okay. I have seen the anniversary of accepting my role with Disney, then the anniversary of my campus shutting down, then the anniversary of Disney sending home all current CPs, then the anniversary of my last event as an RA. 

This has not been easy for me at all. 

I have to take a step back and process what I am feeling. Lately, my sadness is met with anger and then guilt. This is not a fun combination and I have not loved realizing that handling these things has to happen on my own in the same bedroom I have lived in since I was 18 months old. 

I was supposed to be in Disney. I was supposed to be a true grown-up. I was supposed to be looking for the next step in my own house with a dog in a different city or even state. 

But here I sit. And I'm pissed. 

The problems come when I let myself take this out in the wrong outlets. More problems come when people who don't understand what I am going through tell me to get over it. 

So I want to be authentic. I want to be real with everyone. And to do so, I will tell you what to do and what not to do with people going through a lot. These apply to me and my anxiety/depression combo mess in my head, but they will also apply to other people who just need love.

To Do #1

Talk to the person you love with empathy and understanding. Ask them questions about what they are experiencing without placing blame. For me, it can be nice to be able to say "my anxiety has been acting up and my mental health sucks right now" without needing to be able to fix it in that moment. This leads to my next point.

Don't Do #1

Do not blame the person experiencing a mental health mess for their mess. In my experience, I already feel guilty and pretty disgusting in these times. Adding more to this mess doesn't help and will likely lead to me or whoever you're talking to, simply not want to open up to you again. And losing that connection hurts on both sides.

To Do #2

Listen and learn on your own about what your person is experiencing. We live in an age where resources are bountiful and easily accessed. I know I am most personally offended when I tell someone about my anxiety and they flat-out refuse to learn more about what this means. If you need help finding information to trust, ask for help. It feels amazing to be understood and the effort is valuable in itself. 

Don't Do #2

Do not ever tell someone with a mental illness that you understand what they are going through because you have been somewhere similar. Personally, I know that my anxiety is different from anyone else's anxiety. It is great to be related to, but if you shrink someone else's experience simply because "well I got through it," you are risking ruining that relationship. There is a happy middle to relating and pretending you know someone's brain. Be careful in these zones.

To Do #3

Admit that what the other person is going through sounds like hell. It probably is a personal hell. This year has been so so hard on everyone. Each and every one of us are finding our ways around a painful situation. Being open and honest about this makes you more approachable and easier to talk to.

Don't Do #3

Shrink someone's experience. Downplaying what I am going through is the quickest way to get me to not want to continue that conversation or open a future dialogue. Telling me or anyone else that "someone else has it worse" or "you're not the only one with something going on" tells me that you're not interested in helping my situation. It minimalizes my situation and myself as a person. Here's the deal, I know other people have it worse. And I know I'm not alone in having pain. But telling me to think of other people's struggles tells me that mine doesn't matter. I have grown to often put other people before myself (thank you RA gig). Sometimes that is great! But others it is completely dehumanizing. So I don't need a reminder of who has it worse. I already know. And that kills me, too. 

To Do #4

Watch for when your loved ones aren't acting like themselves. For me, I can tell my mental health is slipping before anyone else but it often feels as though I can't fix it until it's too late. This is when others could notice. I know that I am not at my healthiest when I get mean, I am tired all the time, I stop eating, or I completely immerse myself in things that might not even matter. 

Don't Do #4

Do not ignore these changes. Don't write them off as an excuse you made for that person. You might not need to address them unless they're ongoing, but keeping your eye out will show that you truly do love and care for the person in every stage of their mental health. It hurts when I know I'm not me but others decide why for me. It hurts when I am struggling but can't explain it because my loved ones don't notice or care. This is true for so many people. We want to be better. But it's hard. 

To Do #5

This last one is not as personal for me as I have not had these ideations, thankfully. But it is important to remember that if you have the idea, you need to ask the person hurting if they have thought of killing themselves. This is as uncomfortable as it is important. And it is important to phrase it specifically like that because sometimes the pain is incredibly real so asking someone if they've thought of hurting themselves will not give you the true answer. If someone is planning on killing themselves, you need to get help immediately. Full disclosure, I am not in this state of mind. I am just writing this tip for those who are in that lowest spot. 

Don't Do #5

Last but most certainly not least, don't make people feel like shit for feeling like shit. We already know we are a lot to handle. We already know we are exhausting. We already know our mental issues are overwhelming. In my case, my own thoughts have already told me that and worse. The thing to remember is that when people on the outside are able to notice, the people on the inside are already in that overwhelming, painfully low space. Telling them how hard it is for you to deal with only makes it worse. The last thing we need to be added to our plate is guilt. We want to be better. And we are sorry we aren't already fine. So take a moment to understand what the person is living through before telling them that you are not having a good time dealing with them. Nobody in these situations is having a good time. 

Growth * Intent * Joy

 If you ever met me in high school or college, you probably also met my best friends. Sorry Liv and Ally, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about my to do lists. I am a sucker for a good to do list. And I am completely okay with this. 

Throughout my undergrad I remember making monthly, weekly and daily lists of goals. And they were always full. I was an active member of my college community and the RA life didn't allow for much free time anyway. So I fell in love with always having things to do and due dates to complete them by. Yes, this stressed me out, but knowing I was completing things all the time was my favorite feeling. I say was, but it honestly still is. 

But lately, I haven't been busy. My to do lists are quite simple. I don't have to write anything down in my planner no matter how much I want to. 

I remember telling someone (and then being referred to therapy and turned away, but that's a different story) that if I wasn't busy, I was more stressed. I meant that. 

Somehow 2020 helped me calm that down. I was able to learn what it meant to relax and  only have self-care on my list of things to complete in a day. Even now, my list rarely says more that "laundry (which I should be folding right now), work, run, shower" because I simply haven't been doing much else. It has been nice, yes, but it is not how I see my 2021 lasting. 

So that brings me to this year's words. I choose words instead of resolutions because I believe I can morph words into what I need them to be as the year goes on. I don't want to feel like I failed and have to give up when I suck at keeping a resolution and goals fall flat for me if they don't have a concrete specificity to them.

My words for 2021 are "growth," "intent or intention" and "joy" all for their own reasons. 

Growth

I chose growth because I truly do want to grow and mature this year. I said it last year, too. And I might say it in 2022. But I really do want to move out of my parents' house and into my own. Preferably with a dog and a master's degree in the works. I have recently realized how many things go into having my own house- wifi payments, mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, making every single meal, etc. and it excites me. I want to be able to manage all of those things. 

I also would like to grow physically into an even stronger Christa. I don't talk about it much anymore, but I still feel lasting side effects of COVID and that drives me crazy. But I am learning each and every day how and when to listen to my body. I have also realized that pushing myself isn't always the answer. So I want to become a stronger version of myself and maybe reach out of cardio. Maybe.

Intention

At work, I see teachers working their booties off to make sure their lesson plans all serve a purpose. In my RA gig, I also learned to make everything mean something else. Sorry Smith 8 Ladies, our Bachelor nights were about more than Pilot Pete and you didn't even realize! But as of lately, I haven't done many things intentionally. I work from 8:30-3:00, come home, work out, chat with my mom, and basically just exist in that world. This is not a bad thing but it isn't pushing me toward the goals I know I can achieve. So I want to be more intentional with my time. 

To do this, I know I need to spend less time staring at a screen. My phone is my biggest distraction even when I'm not talking to anyone. TikToks, Candy Crush, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Tinder, Snapchat- I've caught myself spending ungodly amounts of time on all of them. And I mean that literally. 

While I have had a better relationship with my faith since joining Reality Church and a life group there, I am far from where I could and should be. I know that sort of growth doesn't happen all by itself, though. (Hey, they all work together, see that??). I also need to be intentional with my time and actions to grow that relationship like I would with any friend I hadn't seen in a while. (Which is pretty much everyone reading this probably. Guys, I miss you all!)

Joy

I am admittedly good at finding joy in things. I consider that a blessing and a gift. But I want to spark more joy in other people. I want to find more things that bring me joy. And I want to share what I find with others. I know that this can appear fake or cliche, but hear me out.

Every day I send my Snapchat friends a reason to smile. I have done this for years and I am so happy with how it turned out that it even made it to my graduation cap for college. But now I want to be more real about these things. Instead of "the sun is shining" every morning, I want to go a bit deeper. I am also working to have my friends snap me back with what made them smile throughout that day as we all go to bed. 

I believe these things will all pay off for a more positive and affirming life. It also allows people to share that they haven't been super joyful that day. That's okay! But even on the hardest days, there is something to be grateful for. 

I also want to use this word as a way of decluttering my life. If it doesn't bring me joy, I'm simply not keeping it. That could be a piece of clothing, a relationship, or even a conversation. This is also how I will look at what I add to my life. If it brings me joy, I will work to make it happen. If not, it's not worth the effort. 

So that's my 2021 plan in a nutshell. It's very 2020+1 but that's just the way of the world right now. 

Thanks for reading!

♥ Christa

World Mental Health Day

When it comes down to it, I really freaking hate anxiety. 

I hate what it does to me. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate how it can take over my day. I hate that it’s invisible until it’s not. 

I’ve struggled with this mental illness for longer than I can even remember, but for many years I shrugged it off as “my period is coming” or “I’m just stressed” or “school is just a lot.” 

All of those things could be true, but they weren’t the entirety of this mental health monster. 

Anxiety makes me a nervous wreck when I don’t have a plan for my day. It makes it so that when things are meant to be spontaneous or easy, they can’t be. It makes it so that when things are changing and in all reality I know I can handle it, I can’t stop the tears running down my cheeks. 

Anxiety makes me mean. It makes me lash out at whoever I think spiked it. It makes me uncomfortable handling new or different because I don’t feel that precious sense of control. It makes me give up caring about things I know I hold dearly because it’s just easier to stop. 

Anxiety makes me tired. It wears me out from having to constantly remind myself “you’re okay,” or “you’re safe.” It’s a lot. And it’s honestly hard work to constantly remind your brain, you’re not dying. 

It's all just that much harder post-COVID when you really were dealing with a killer virus. The isolation of quarantine and COVID life for everyone has been hard and I for one am ready for this global pandemic to end. I am ready to be anxious about normal things instead of worrying about getting reinfected, infecting anyone else and wondering if my family will get to see each other during the winter months. 

But anxiety isn’t all of me. I’m still Christa Jane Rahl, the girl who loves football and squirrels. I still hang out with my family. I still make time for my friends. I still get to work my jobs and feel productive and important. 

I find my coping mechanisms. I run, I repeat my self-affirmations, I run more, I challenge myself with new circus arts, and I go on with my life until another attack hits. 

Today, it hit. I had too many different pieces of ideas for plans that all collided in my brain and left me in bed typing out this blog. I even tried to be proactive with a short, half-mile jog to ease the tension building up in my body. Instead of doing any of my fun ideas, I am stuck just trying to quit crying. All because I didn’t want to waste the day. Well, look who has wasted hours of their day now, this anxiety-ridden chick. 

Am I proud of it? No. But I thought it was ironic that my anxiety would attack me on a day I feel is so important. 

So for now, I’m going to take a nap, maybe go for a run, maybe go shopping, maybe see some friends later. Because while anxiety has been my morning, it’s not my life. 

Happy World Mental Health Day, friends. 

Remember, it’s always okay to reach out for additional help and resources. Mental health is important.