When I woke up yesterday with cramps that could kill a man, I knew it wasn't really going to be my favorite day that's every dayed. I got up, albeit slower than should have been allowed.
I took my ibuprofen, I got ready for the day, and I let myself wear slippers to my dermatologist appointment.
Oh, and I took an anxiety pill to make sure if my doctor wanted my blood, I could give it with less tears.
Turns out, there were plenty of tears but no blood was drawn.
Instead, I left with what my doctor described as "bad news" and a diagnosis of Female Pattern Hair Loss, which is the female equivalent to Male Pattern Baldness. It is also believed that there is something in me making my hair fall out too quickly.
So I cried and googled what my hair could look like.
Turns out, it is rare to lose all of my hair. So that's cool.
But it is also not common for this hair loss to start at 26 without having also had a baby.
My doctor told me I could start a topical minoxidil. The nurse warned me that if I started this, it would be a daily application... for the rest of my life.
If you have noticed, I am not married or engaged. Thank you, Josh, for being forgiving. The word "forever" just does not sit well with me. I am simply not great with things that feel too permanent.
So believing I would be starting something that would be forever scared me.
My mom called after I stopped crying and we came up with a plan. I can order the minoxidil whenever. I have a follow up appointment for the dermatologist to see how my hair is doing on Aug. 21. I also know that the minoxidil will likely make my hair shed more for about 2 months. So I have some time to explore other options.
Because my derm also believed I had outside factors speeding up my hair loss, I am also making more appointments to see what's going on inside me. The options were numerous. COVID from October and before? Maybe. Graduating from that super fun master's program? Likely. Accutane side effects/ Possible. Starting a new job? Could be. Low iron? Not sure! Thyroid issues? Maybe. Not enough protein? All of these options are on the table and it's damn near impossible to know which or what combination are impacting my hair. It can be hard to tell also because it takes your hair roughly 3 months to feel the stress you encounter (oh the things I have learned!).
So now I get to ask lots of doctors lost of questions. If you know me, you know this is my hell.
But how did I get here? I have always had great hair.
 |
I remember having to tell hair stylists that they would need extra dye to cover all of my hair.
I was the girl with deceptively thick hair.
And now I'm not. In comparison to just a year to 18 months ago, I have a tiny pony tail and what look and feel like bald spots.
You probably haven't noticed, but I rarely wear a pony tail or messy bun anymore. This is both because they look very small and because I have seen online that ponytails can pull your hair more than my weak hair can handle.
I asked a very smart hair stylist about this. She was guessing I had contact dermatitis and I would be able reverse this hair loss. She sold me a brush that was nicer to my weak hair. She saw lots of regrowth that gave us both hope.
Unfortunately, the dermatologist disagreed.
While it was heartbreaking and scary to learn that the doctor thinks I will be dealing with this much longer than I planned, I was not all that surprised. Which is what hurt the most.
I have been losing my hair since last summer. This is when I started asking questions at my annual physical. My PA believed it was just stress since my grad program had been... less than stellar.
I first noticed it when I was vacuuming and had to empty the bin at least twice when cleaning my apartment. I also purchased a rubber broom to get the hair out of my carpet.
I then noticed it in my shower. I cleaned out the drain and purchased wire netting to cover the drain so I wouldn't have to as often.
The hair was everywhere.
I started tracking just how much hair would fall out in one shower. I started noticing the hair in my brush. I started feeling it in my fingers when I would run my hand through my hair.
To put it simply, I knew there was a problem.
I still don't know what's coming. I don't know if I'll be able to fix this with vitamins, rosemary oil, and extra protein in my diet.
I don't know if I will wear wigs in my future. I don't know if I should take a daily medication for my mental health so that the stress can be contained. I don't know if my hair will "Christmas tree." I don't know if my thyroid will become an issue to watch. I don't know if I'll wear a wig on my wedding day or have to take fertility tests.
But I do know I'll be okay. I know this is all a part of God's plan for me. I know that I can rely on Him and His goodness.
Ever since grad school, I have been relying on the verse Philippians 4:7 which tells me that the peace from the Lord surpasses all understanding. However, recently, I have also been latching to Nehemiah 8:10 which promises the joy of the Lord is my strength.
 |
I don't have to be happy about this. I don't have to stop crying. I can be tired. It's just hair, but it's also my hair.
But I will not falter in my faith.
