Well. We are officially one year since we all started updating our vocabulary to include words like "quarantine," "pandemic" and "social distancing."
It's been a year since everyone started doing what many of us have been doing subconsciously for years if not our whole lives.
We learned how to collectively act like we're okay. And wow that didn't help anything for anyone in the long run.
Sure, nobody wants to be around a "Negative Nancy" but you know what's worse? Being around someone and not really knowing anything about them.
So here's the deal- my smiling face is what anxiety looks like. People don't want to think of mental illness that way. But swallow the pill, my friends, because this is about to get even more real with you.
I have noticed this recently- the people who think they know me the best are also the people who get so confused when I don't have a great mental health day. The people who will say they love me most won't even listen to a podcast or read up on how to communicate with me about my daily experience.
The people who truly know me best are those that are along for the long haul. And I am with them through theirs.
So as this anniversary roles through (and there just keep being more), think about what this anniversary means to people around you.
I believe being authentic is the best way to live so that people around you actually have an understanding of me. But guess what! This isn't always welcomed with open arms.
Many people will push you to be okay all the time. This can quickly morph into what is called Toxic Positivity, which has many different forms but all in all "denies people the authentic support that they need to cope with what they are facing." (Very Well Mind)
This idea calls me out.
I am the girl who wants everyone to have a reason to smile every morning. I want everyone to smile before bed about something that happened that day.
But this pandemic has also shaded this idea that everything is sunshine and rainbows. The world can be awful. Disgusting things happen and we should all be okay admitting this fact.
I am not writing this to tell you to be a pessimist and look for the shade. That's not who I am and that is not what I am about. I am writing this to remind people that is okay to have unpleasant feelings. It is okay to realize that your mental health is going downhill even though it's sunny and the world is opening back up.
I will be honest, the past month or so, I haven't been okay. I have seen the anniversary of accepting my role with Disney, then the anniversary of my campus shutting down, then the anniversary of Disney sending home all current CPs, then the anniversary of my last event as an RA.
This has not been easy for me at all.
I have to take a step back and process what I am feeling. Lately, my sadness is met with anger and then guilt. This is not a fun combination and I have not loved realizing that handling these things has to happen on my own in the same bedroom I have lived in since I was 18 months old.
I was supposed to be in Disney. I was supposed to be a true grown-up. I was supposed to be looking for the next step in my own house with a dog in a different city or even state.
But here I sit. And I'm pissed.
The problems come when I let myself take this out in the wrong outlets. More problems come when people who don't understand what I am going through tell me to get over it.
So I want to be authentic. I want to be real with everyone. And to do so, I will tell you what to do and what not to do with people going through a lot. These apply to me and my anxiety/depression combo mess in my head, but they will also apply to other people who just need love.
To Do #1
Talk to the person you love with empathy and understanding. Ask them questions about what they are experiencing without placing blame. For me, it can be nice to be able to say "my anxiety has been acting up and my mental health sucks right now" without needing to be able to fix it in that moment. This leads to my next point.
Don't Do #1
Do not blame the person experiencing a mental health mess for their mess. In my experience, I already feel guilty and pretty disgusting in these times. Adding more to this mess doesn't help and will likely lead to me or whoever you're talking to, simply not want to open up to you again. And losing that connection hurts on both sides.
To Do #2
Listen and learn on your own about what your person is experiencing. We live in an age where resources are bountiful and easily accessed. I know I am most personally offended when I tell someone about my anxiety and they flat-out refuse to learn more about what this means. If you need help finding information to trust, ask for help. It feels amazing to be understood and the effort is valuable in itself.
Don't Do #2
Do not ever tell someone with a mental illness that you understand what they are going through because you have been somewhere similar. Personally, I know that my anxiety is different from anyone else's anxiety. It is great to be related to, but if you shrink someone else's experience simply because "well I got through it," you are risking ruining that relationship. There is a happy middle to relating and pretending you know someone's brain. Be careful in these zones.
To Do #3
Admit that what the other person is going through sounds like hell. It probably is a personal hell. This year has been so so hard on everyone. Each and every one of us are finding our ways around a painful situation. Being open and honest about this makes you more approachable and easier to talk to.
Don't Do #3
Shrink someone's experience. Downplaying what I am going through is the quickest way to get me to not want to continue that conversation or open a future dialogue. Telling me or anyone else that "someone else has it worse" or "you're not the only one with something going on" tells me that you're not interested in helping my situation. It minimalizes my situation and myself as a person. Here's the deal, I know other people have it worse. And I know I'm not alone in having pain. But telling me to think of other people's struggles tells me that mine doesn't matter. I have grown to often put other people before myself (thank you RA gig). Sometimes that is great! But others it is completely dehumanizing. So I don't need a reminder of who has it worse. I already know. And that kills me, too.
To Do #4
Watch for when your loved ones aren't acting like themselves. For me, I can tell my mental health is slipping before anyone else but it often feels as though I can't fix it until it's too late. This is when others could notice. I know that I am not at my healthiest when I get mean, I am tired all the time, I stop eating, or I completely immerse myself in things that might not even matter.
Don't Do #4
Do not ignore these changes. Don't write them off as an excuse you made for that person. You might not need to address them unless they're ongoing, but keeping your eye out will show that you truly do love and care for the person in every stage of their mental health. It hurts when I know I'm not me but others decide why for me. It hurts when I am struggling but can't explain it because my loved ones don't notice or care. This is true for so many people. We want to be better. But it's hard.
To Do #5
This last one is not as personal for me as I have not had these ideations, thankfully. But it is important to remember that if you have the idea, you need to ask the person hurting if they have thought of killing themselves. This is as uncomfortable as it is important. And it is important to phrase it specifically like that because sometimes the pain is incredibly real so asking someone if they've thought of hurting themselves will not give you the true answer. If someone is planning on killing themselves, you need to get help immediately. Full disclosure, I am not in this state of mind. I am just writing this tip for those who are in that lowest spot.
Don't Do #5
Last but most certainly not least, don't make people feel like shit for feeling like shit. We already know we are a lot to handle. We already know we are exhausting. We already know our mental issues are overwhelming. In my case, my own thoughts have already told me that and worse. The thing to remember is that when people on the outside are able to notice, the people on the inside are already in that overwhelming, painfully low space. Telling them how hard it is for you to deal with only makes it worse. The last thing we need to be added to our plate is guilt. We want to be better. And we are sorry we aren't already fine. So take a moment to understand what the person is living through before telling them that you are not having a good time dealing with them. Nobody in these situations is having a good time.
