Alright, guys. I told you I’d be authentic with you this semester so I’m going to completely take the general public up on this and see where it goes from there.
If you’ve known me for longer than a year, you know this year has been a rollercoaster. And I’ve come a long way about being authentic. You see, I used to be the girl that would see a post like this and think “geez, get yourself together. The internet doesn’t need your drama.” To be honest, that’s not where I’m at anymore. Being real in public means sharing how you actually are. Have you seen the stats on people with a specific type of depression because of social media only showing us the best parts of people’s lives? They’re staggering. So if you don’t want to know my shit, keep scrolling.
Anyway, September 2018 to September 2019 has been a lot. I used to talk about that in broad terms because people know why. People know I was dumped. People knew my heart was broken. And I tried to cover up who did it. Why? I wanted to protect him. I wanted Joey to look at Christa Rahl and think, "wow. I let go of a good one." Yeah, I’m over that now. It’s not my job to protect him. I don’t need to save his face simply because he has a great public record. But it’s also not my place to ruin him. So I’m telling my story and if you want to ask him for his side, be my guest.
A year ago today, I sent Joey a care package. I missed him. He had just moved into Carleton, a small private school in Minnesota that I was deathly afraid would steal my man. Guess what! When you focus on that too much, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. In a little over three weeks since his move in, we fell apart. I wanted more communication. He wanted letters. He called me a week from this coming Saturday and ended it all. Two years down the drain.
But that’s not the point. The point is that the night I became single, I wasn’t okay. I tried watching movies, I tried being with friends, nothing worked. I threw up that night because I was crying too hard and my residents called the Duty RAs. I am insanely grateful they did because I really shouldn’t have been alone that night. Even closer to the point, I’m still not entirely okay. I pretend I am 23/6 but mess up all the time. I think about that break up every day of my life, even when I don’t want to. Especially when I don’t want to.
To me, this is not normal. It’s been a year. I should be over him. I have told SO many friends after breakups to just “get over him” as if that’s a possibility. It’s truly not that easy. I have taken that language out of my vocabulary. Because for a week or so, I let myself not be okay. But then I stopped. I believed I should be fine so I said I was. I decided to focus on trying my best to be someone Joey would want back. (Spoiler- that didn’t work. He got over me way faster than I ever thought possible, but that’s a story for another time.) I held on the hope I could somehow earn him back until this last July when I saw photos of him and his new girlfriend in California. So the process was delayed for me.
The process has also been odd for me because it’s me and I like to make things difficult. For example, Joey introduced me to my main hobbies I now enjoy. I still juggle even though that was his thing. I go to as many juggling clubs as I can, and honestly make much better attendance numbers than he did anyway. I still run even though we only did that together because we’d also eat a whole pizza on our own. I still hang out with his aunt because I met her at Juggling Club and both decided there’s a lot more to each other than one young man.
I’ve accepted this. I’ve accepted that I'm a little weird and love is hard. I’m finally getting where I should have been in July. I’m finally allowing myself to attempt to find who I am entirely on my own. I’m a kickass RA. I’m an aspiring comedic journalist. I’m a diehard football fan. I’m a senior who needs a job in May with my BJ, not a man for my MRS.
This whole post isn’t just to whine. It’s to be real with you. It’s to show the world that the girl with a reason to smile every morning started that Snapchat tradition every morning because I needed something to help me put my feet on the floor and get ready for another day. People don’t expect me to have dark thoughts or bad days because I’m reasonably happy all the time. So this is my shout out to the people like me- it’s okay to cry it out. It’s okay to take a little longer in the healing process than you want. Mental health doesn’t work on a schedule. However, I’ve been trained to tell people about CAPs on my college campus and if things get worse or stay the same as the random crying and inability to flirt with literally anyone I find attractive, maybe I’ll give them a try too. Because it’s time to end the stigma.
I’m a girl that loves schedules and planners, but I know I have to ride this one out and see what happens.
I’m also a girl who hates winter and being cold. The coldness leads to my seasonal depression shoving its way into my life again and I’m just not ready to deal with that again. So don’t mind me enjoying the sun while I can still feel it and not just see it. Yes, I’ll enjoy the Halloween and pumpkin part of Fall but please don’t shove my summer away. It can feel like I’m just waiting for the sad, dark days to return.
And hey, if you see me around this week, know I’ve got a lot on my mind and don’t necessarily want to talk about it but I would love acknowledgment that I’ve honestly come a long way and the world is just as much my oyster in 2019 as it was in 2018.
Sorry, this was a messy post, it was very flow of consciousness today.
P.S. Peep the photos. Nobody around me would have guessed I was writing a blog on my phone about what could be arguably defined as a minor battle with depression and lots of pain. You never know what someone’s going through so share some kindness to every soul you see.
P.P.S. Shout out to Ariana Grande, Lizzo, Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus for giving my moods melodies this past year.
